We tend to think of lonely people as those who live by themselves and spend most of their time alone — those who are reclusive or homebound.
Older adults who have outlived their spouses and friends come to mind.
In fact, loneliness is much more than being alone or feeling isolated. And the truth is that it impacts all ages, personalities, and circumstances. People we’re close to may be suffering from loneliness and we don’t know it.
Like family caregivers.
Statistics tell us that caregivers are especially vulnerable to depression, isolation, and loneliness. It’s a troubling problem. It’s also often overlooked because many who care for their loved ones feel alone in their challenge but choose to meet it silently. They may feel shame in admitting loneliness, as if it’s a personal failure.
Sometimes it’s just easier to say, “I’m fine.”
In 2017, U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy warned of a loneliness epidemic. Early in his tenure he and his staff toured the country to ask people about their pain points. They heard things they had expected to learn — the opioid crisis and chronic disease were most often mentioned.
But in the course of their travels, they saw an emerging pattern: “Loneliness ran like a dark thread through many of the more obvious issues that people brought to my attention, like addiction, violence, anxiety, and depression.” (Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, Vivek H. Murthy, MD)
So we know that loneliness occurs when we encounter changes in our life that keep us from the people and activities we usually connect with. Becoming a caregiver includes such changes. It’s important to know that loneliness can be a side effect, and there are a number of reasons why this is so.
There are also a number of health consequences that impact caregivers who allow loneliness and isolation to encroach on their well-being.
The good news is that there are strategies for reducing caregiver health risks, along with local resources to turn to for help.
If you’re the spouse or adult child of someone needing care, when caregiving becomes your responsibility it means assuming a new role in your family and community. Your loved one’s relationship with you changes to one of dependency. Your social network takes on a different look as well because your regular lifestyle is partially or wholly replaced with caregiving duties.
Your outside employment may be impacted — you may need to work reduced hours or leave your job. Other aspects of your normal routine also change. It can mean a major adjustment.
If caregiving requires your 24/7 attention, your likely response is to limit outside connections or perhaps retreat from them completely. Early on you likely feel a strong commitment to your loved one’s well-being, even to the neglect of your own.
Here are some common caregiver experiences that might ring true for you:
It’s not difficult to see how these changes add up to a withdrawal from your normal life. Friends, family, co-workers, and community can readily take a back seat to the daily care of your loved one. It’s emotionally painful to pull away from the activities and connections that were once important to you.
It can ultimately be physically painful as well. Your own health might be on the line when loneliness and social isolation dominate your daily caregiving experience.
If you have any kind of regular daily routine around exercise, meals, work, and activities, chances are you’ve achieved a working balance in your life. Caregiving responsibilities can upset that balance and lead to a disrupted routine. The result? Your physical and mental health pay a heavy toll.
Early in your caregiving experience you may feel overwhelmed at the scope of your duties and anxious about the uncertainty of your loved one’s health. There are living arrangements to figure out, medical appointments to attend, and often insurance issues to sort through. And not enough hours in the day to accomplish them, let alone practice self-care.
There’s sadness to grapple with because your loved one’s health is declining.
Caregiving is like being a project manager whose job is to pull everything together. And you may feel like the entire weight of the situation rests on your shoulders.
All of these factors mean a separation from your regular habits and lifestyle. And that fuels loneliness, which can lead to:
Loneliness is also a culprit in increased rates of cognitive decline in older adults, according to a study conducted by researchers at Brigham and Women’s Hospital and Harvard University. If you’re an older caregiver, the social isolation you experience as you care for your loved one must serve as a red flag for you.
Caregiver self-care is a responsibility that’s every bit as important as what you do for your loved one. It’s easy to talk about and difficult to do.
Here are some things to think about and some actions to take that have some potential for helping you break through the loneliness and isolation you feel.
Plan to invest two precious resources in yourself to protect your health — time and money. You may feel as if you don’t have enough of either to spare, but it’s essential to recognize that this is an investment that could save your life. Investing in your own health is the most important thing you can do for yourself and everyone who loves you.
Ways to invest time:
Spend some money to:
The Aging Care Caregiver Forum is a useful tool for learning about other caregivers’ solutions to common challenges. You can pose a question, contribute to ongoing discussions, or subscribe to a newsletter to read about a variety of caregiving topics. Because it’s made up of real caregivers facing familiar problems, it’s a great way to feel connected and learn what’s worked for others.
Resources for support throughout King County:
Read a highly recommended book. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, MD’s Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, is an excellent and very readable book about how prevalent loneliness is in our country. Hearing an insightful perspective on the problem might help you feel less alone with your situation. Find it through the King County and Seattle Public Library systems.
Please contact the staff at SeaCare to learn about in-home care services as you plan your caregiving strategy. We’ll share ways we can support your family’s journey.
Katie Wright writes about aging and senior wellness from Bellingham, WA. You can read more about her here.